Trying to find my rhythm

Crashing and hurting yourself has some obvious consequences. The time off was tough because I lost a fair amount of fitness. Not being able to race in the races I wanted to, missing some of my season’s biggest goal races was even harder. As much as it was cool to see friends tearing it up in Idaho, it was bitter sweet knowing that I could have been there having success too. There were a lot of I could haves and what ifs running through my head, weighing me down and making it tough to push through and continue keeping focused on coming back. It’s funny, just because you want something doesn’t mean that you’ll have the drive to make it happen. I’ve had a taste of this for the first time in my life in the last few weeks, feeling afraid to try for fear of failure.

I think my fear was somewhat justified too. I have yet to get back on a mountain bike, still waiting for the doctor to clear me in a week. And while on the bike I was feeling uncomfortable. I wasn’t picking up where I left off. I was trying to re-learn a lot of what I spent years learning. There was a blockade standing in my way and for some reason I couldn’t just deal with it like before. It was almost like I forgot how to.

And this continued much the same into this past week’s rides. I was trying so hard to hit the numbers, to push myself, to go hard. But I couldn’t. I didn’t know if the numbers were wrong, or if I was just not up to it. After failing to push myself hard enough on the weekend, I was still feeling tired from the long hours. Not recovering right and felt dead Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. But something happened yesterday. Something happened that showed me the light at the end of the tunnel. It was distant and dull, but light is still light. During another FTP effort where I just couldn’t keep the pace up, I thought maybe I’m just not in a rhythm. So I focused, I push the pace and effort to a place where I knew I could hold it and just sat there. It hurt like all hell, but I stayed there. I focused to keep the cadence high and the effort high all the while keeping my gaze on the road ahead. I let my body do the work while I focused on the effort.

I think that’s the subtle difference. I was too focused on the pain and not focused enough on the effort. I was too focused on how hard I was going and not focused enough on how hard I should go. Hopefully this makes sense. Like I said, that light was short lived, as I only had 2 minutes left in my interval. But for that brief moment, I felt like I was strong. It wasn’t easy, but it was manageable. I found a rhythm and held it.

And this is true in the other aspect of my life/training (what’s the difference anymore?). I was eating whatever, getting takeout and subs almost every day. I was staying up too late. I was letting things sit and not dealing with them. I stopped doing the little things that alone don’t matter but together make all the difference. In the last few years I’ve become someone who can fix almost anything as long as I understand the problem. I thought I did with this one. I thought I knew how to get back going again. Turns out I didn’t, but I think I do now, but only the next week’s riding and training will tell.

I owe Gordy at Speed Cycling huge thanks. He picked me up this year and I was a little worried that my lack of results would be reason to kick me out. But after 4 weeks of recovery I contacted him letting him know I was ready to start riding again. We met and got things going again. His support was rock solid. His confidence in my abilities was noticeably deeper, and this played a big role in helping me figure this all out. But of course he stressed that we should focus more on handling skills, haha.He gave my training and remainder of the year some much needed refocusing. His experience and knowledge are there, but the caring is what makes Speed different. Gordy and all the coaches there care, like no other. When I went in 2 other coaches who I don’t really know all that well asked me how things were going, as if they understood the whole situation. I could go on and on about it, but I’ll sum it all up with a HUGE THANKS to the whole Speed Crew but even that isn’t enough.

http://www.speedmadison.com/

The next few weeks will be important. There will be lots of hard miles trying to get back to where I was and further. Then on the 23^rd I’ll get cleared to race and race off-road. The next race of any consequence will be Ore to Shore where I’m hopeful for a solid result to confirm that I’m making progress. I might race the Wausau 24 before that for some fun and some dirt practice, but we’ll see.

See you on the roads and trails!

Tough couple of weeks, and it’s about to get tougher.

The last few weeks have been difficult for me. Fracturing a collarbone is a pretty common injury in cycling, so it’s tough to say this will end my hopes of making something out of racing my bike. But beyond those worries, there is something more basic.

I talked to my dad yesterday when I called him in the morning to wish him a happy father’s day. We talked about a lot, but the conversation turned to my collarbone soon enough. Most people seem to ask about the physical pain saying “I bet that hurt” does it still hurt?” of course it hurt, I’m human but I expect that. And besides I race bike and train to endure pain and almost enjoy it. But when we started talking about it my dad’s first response was, “you must be going insane!”

He captured exactly the problem! The pain was there but it was nothing. What’s been the most difficult is waiting for it to heal and watching my season slowly tick by from the sidelines. I became so focused on working hard, training and racing that without it I felt lost. Without that focus I felt like I was waiting to die. Sounds harsh, but it’s kind of true. It’s a bit extreme, but so am I.

The first few weeks have been tough, but I had good friends to help me through it. Accepting help with daily tasks is strange for me, but something I dealt with and I can’t thank Tim enough for everything. But there was a little fun too bad had. I helped out with the WORS Media at the 4^th race of the year, CamRock. It was a little strange watching from the sidelines, the racing kept my mind off those thoughts.

But it is starting to heal. More than just feeling better, it is starting to feel more solid. Although it feels more solid like jello is more solid than water, it’s still and improvement. It’s actually to point where when I move, it moves with me. That’s cool, but hurts like a bitch. And that’s the story, as it hardens it will likely hurt more and more until things are strong enough to bear my weight in 2-3 weeks’ time. And that only part of it. The training will start back up soon and we’ll see how much fitness I’ve lost. The good news is there is a ton of time between my next race and now, so I’ll be able to get into some good shape and regain any confidence I’ve lost off-road. If I’ve done an okay job on the trainer it won’t be too bad, but hopefully it not so bad to where I can’t easily motivate myself.

Next race on the schedule right now is Ore to Shore, possibly going to race Wausau 24 and Sunburst if I can get clearance by then. The next couple weeks will be all about resting and healing, getting on the trainer when I can and holding on to what fitness I can. Then I’ll have a couple of month of train and very little racing to build fitness and hopefully come into the second half of season riding like I have something to prove, cause I do.

there is fine line between badass and stupid, i walk that line

so, some bad news.

my collarbone is broken. i crashed yesterday racing the Wausau big ring WORS race. i was in position to sprint for that  elusive 5th place i've  been hunting. crashed pretty hard and thought right away is was the collarbone. i was told it was not broken on the scene and i could move it around, so i was hopeful. but i went into the emergency room today for x-rays and they said it is broken in two places. everything is in place and it already beginning to fully set so recovery will hopefully be quick.

typing is slow going with one hand so i'll make this quick. laps 1 and 2 were awesome. i felt in control and i was riding within myself. i was sitting in because i knew from last time that its not really possible for to ride away so tactically my best move was to follow wheels. Matt was talking to me over dinner the night before and made sure i heard it this time. sit in, take it easy and wait for the big moves. beginning of lap 3 things came back together and the big move happened, Tristan went. the group worked together to pull him back in but it was over. then Brian went and the  group exploded. i was sitting 3th with Nate on my wheel and i had a little tangle with a tree in the first section of single track. i got back on and Cory caught me.

Then Mark Lalonde got me on the big hill but i was able to keep him in sight through the single track. then Tyler caught me but i was able to hold his wheel much better and we paced each other for the rest of the lap and into the last lap. i was putting everything i had to hold his wheel, but was beginning to settle in. just as we entered the most technical section i eased up a little but Tyler put on the gas. i began to follow but just couldn't quiet follow through the rocks. i was back in the red and without warning i hit a rock which flung me off my bike. i hit the ground and felt a crunch. i rolled off the trail and just sat there assessing the damage. i tried to get up but couldn't. my race was over.

a huge thanks to the national mountain bike patrol for getting me out of the woods and getting me some immediate care. Thanks to Matt for the pre-race talk and saying exactly how i felt as he went by me laying on the ground; "dammit Joe!" also huge thanks to teammate Tim for helping me home and with getting to the hospital. it's nice to know that when things go wrong, friends have your back. i'll be at the Trek 100, we'll see if i can ride.